The choice has been made

Now that the choice has been made it is time to get down to it. I worked my 1st show since deciding to be sober. At the end of shows many producers, directors, etc like to have a toast with the team.  I used to be 1 of the 1st in line and often having a 2nd. This was the 1st time I remember declining. It was awkward at 1st being the only person out of 10 without a drink in my hand.  (I realize I should have been prepared with water or other beverage but I didn't think about what was happening.) So it was a little awkward for me but probably not anyone else. And in the big picture it didn't matter. I went back to work, finished my job, and drove home safely. Probably arrived less tired and I was not looking to have another drink. All in all it was a successful event.

Going from a brewer and beer expert (semi) to a non drinker is a huge shift. I mean, I know that going sober is a huge change for anyone but I have been loud and proud of my beer knowledge. My knowledge will soon become outdated and my desire to discuss it will dwindle. I notice every restaurant or bar that I pass and look at the taps. I imagine that will happen for a long time. I am starting to notice how often I would have had a drink but am choosing not to. Some of the "triggers", as alcoholics and others in recovery call them, are much more prevalent than I thought. We took a ride on the ferry (as a family) to SF to see a performance in Yerba Bueana Gardens. It was a beautiful day. We went to the diner in the ferry building for dinner. Its a burger, fries, and shake place. They also, of course, had beers on tap and I looked at every one. But as I previously mentioned, that will happen for a long time. The odd thing was when we got on the ferry for the ride home I really wanted a beer. They only have a few choices and none on tap. And it's not like the ferry is a raging drinking scene. And I was not with a bunch of friends who were drinking. But I still wanted that beer. Fortunately, I did not have it. And after a stop for ice cream with the girls I had soon forgotten about it.

Day 8 of living sober

One logistical note.  I am archiving this blog but will continue posting at my other blog https://wallysworldofwonder.blogspot.com. For the few people following directly you can follow along there.

It's time to make a choice

If you have followed my blog at all then this might be a little confusing. Many who read this post will not understand. If you want to believe that I have been drinking by making a conscious choice for years then stop reading now. IF you want to hear about my journey from drinking to not drinking then please read on. Disclaimer: Addiction is real. Based on my research I am fortunate that I don't have a physical dependency on alcohol. (Evidenced by my weeks and months of sobriety with no adverse effects). However, it's a habit that I have not been able to break.
My whole life I have lived in a culture that encourages drinking. We drink to celebrate. We drink for comfort when times are hard. We drink to socialize.  We drink to relax.  We drink for business meetings, and for all kinds of reasons. That's a lot of reasons to drink. I have been doing it so long that I have not asked myself why. I know that I have a choice in whether or not I drink. But drinking has been my automatic response to most situations for so long that I have forgotten to choose. Now I am deciding to choose.  I am choosing not to drink.

I am sure some people will say that I don't have a drinking problem. Others might. The bottom line is that it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks but me.  No, I am not the drink myself to numbness every day kind of drinker. But I have been there on more than 1 occasion. Reasons I have made this choice:

1. How much or how often isn't the point anymore.  My relationship to alcohol is the point. Right now alcohol and I are the couple you see that have a fight and break up and get back together because "they are so good together".  Everyone on the outside sees that they are not right for each other. Alcohol and I are not right for each other. 
2. I am not good at moderation. In just about anything. It has taken me years to realize it but all or nothing works better for me. With healthy choices this is great with alcohol not so much. 
3. Brewing and beer culture has been a big part of my life for the 20 years and even more so over the last 10. I enjoy brewing beer. And trying new beers. And being the person who knows the most about beer in my circle of friends. But I am not certain that doing all those things is not just to give me an excuse to drink.  
4. My body feels better when I don't drink. Even if I only have 1-2 drinks I am much less likely to exercise the next morning. I don't need any more excuses for skipping exercise. I can come up with plenty of excuses without drinking. 

From my journal:

" I have been afraid of being judged. I have been afraid of what that does to my social life. I have been afraid of being seen as weak. I have been afraid of not being "the beer guy”.  I have been afraid that I won’t be able to do it. But I am no longer afraid. "

 I can choose to take a drink any time I want to. And I can choose not to. I have not often given myself that choice. It's past time I did. The last time I chose to take a break from drinking it was for 1 year.  I only made it 6 months. Then, it was a novelty; a test of my willpower just to see if I could do it. This is no longer a test. This is to make my life better. This may be for a year, 5 years, or forever.  For now, I am taking it 1 day at a time.