The choice has been made

Now that the choice has been made it is time to get down to it. I worked my 1st show since deciding to be sober. At the end of shows many producers, directors, etc like to have a toast with the team.  I used to be 1 of the 1st in line and often having a 2nd. This was the 1st time I remember declining. It was awkward at 1st being the only person out of 10 without a drink in my hand.  (I realize I should have been prepared with water or other beverage but I didn't think about what was happening.) So it was a little awkward for me but probably not anyone else. And in the big picture it didn't matter. I went back to work, finished my job, and drove home safely. Probably arrived less tired and I was not looking to have another drink. All in all it was a successful event.

Going from a brewer and beer expert (semi) to a non drinker is a huge shift. I mean, I know that going sober is a huge change for anyone but I have been loud and proud of my beer knowledge. My knowledge will soon become outdated and my desire to discuss it will dwindle. I notice every restaurant or bar that I pass and look at the taps. I imagine that will happen for a long time. I am starting to notice how often I would have had a drink but am choosing not to. Some of the "triggers", as alcoholics and others in recovery call them, are much more prevalent than I thought. We took a ride on the ferry (as a family) to SF to see a performance in Yerba Bueana Gardens. It was a beautiful day. We went to the diner in the ferry building for dinner. Its a burger, fries, and shake place. They also, of course, had beers on tap and I looked at every one. But as I previously mentioned, that will happen for a long time. The odd thing was when we got on the ferry for the ride home I really wanted a beer. They only have a few choices and none on tap. And it's not like the ferry is a raging drinking scene. And I was not with a bunch of friends who were drinking. But I still wanted that beer. Fortunately, I did not have it. And after a stop for ice cream with the girls I had soon forgotten about it.

Day 8 of living sober

One logistical note.  I am archiving this blog but will continue posting at my other blog https://wallysworldofwonder.blogspot.com. For the few people following directly you can follow along there.

It's time to make a choice

If you have followed my blog at all then this might be a little confusing. Many who read this post will not understand. If you want to believe that I have been drinking by making a conscious choice for years then stop reading now. IF you want to hear about my journey from drinking to not drinking then please read on. Disclaimer: Addiction is real. Based on my research I am fortunate that I don't have a physical dependency on alcohol. (Evidenced by my weeks and months of sobriety with no adverse effects). However, it's a habit that I have not been able to break.
My whole life I have lived in a culture that encourages drinking. We drink to celebrate. We drink for comfort when times are hard. We drink to socialize.  We drink to relax.  We drink for business meetings, and for all kinds of reasons. That's a lot of reasons to drink. I have been doing it so long that I have not asked myself why. I know that I have a choice in whether or not I drink. But drinking has been my automatic response to most situations for so long that I have forgotten to choose. Now I am deciding to choose.  I am choosing not to drink.

I am sure some people will say that I don't have a drinking problem. Others might. The bottom line is that it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks but me.  No, I am not the drink myself to numbness every day kind of drinker. But I have been there on more than 1 occasion. Reasons I have made this choice:

1. How much or how often isn't the point anymore.  My relationship to alcohol is the point. Right now alcohol and I are the couple you see that have a fight and break up and get back together because "they are so good together".  Everyone on the outside sees that they are not right for each other. Alcohol and I are not right for each other. 
2. I am not good at moderation. In just about anything. It has taken me years to realize it but all or nothing works better for me. With healthy choices this is great with alcohol not so much. 
3. Brewing and beer culture has been a big part of my life for the 20 years and even more so over the last 10. I enjoy brewing beer. And trying new beers. And being the person who knows the most about beer in my circle of friends. But I am not certain that doing all those things is not just to give me an excuse to drink.  
4. My body feels better when I don't drink. Even if I only have 1-2 drinks I am much less likely to exercise the next morning. I don't need any more excuses for skipping exercise. I can come up with plenty of excuses without drinking. 

From my journal:

" I have been afraid of being judged. I have been afraid of what that does to my social life. I have been afraid of being seen as weak. I have been afraid of not being "the beer guy”.  I have been afraid that I won’t be able to do it. But I am no longer afraid. "

 I can choose to take a drink any time I want to. And I can choose not to. I have not often given myself that choice. It's past time I did. The last time I chose to take a break from drinking it was for 1 year.  I only made it 6 months. Then, it was a novelty; a test of my willpower just to see if I could do it. This is no longer a test. This is to make my life better. This may be for a year, 5 years, or forever.  For now, I am taking it 1 day at a time. 

A New Year with no beer

It's 2013 and it's my new year without drinking. Let's see, since my last post I have experienced the birth of our second daughter, my 43rd birthday Christmas, and New Year's Eve. Anyone who knows me knows I love beer: making it and I love drinking it. I think the hardest time not drinking was the holidays especially with family and friends because drinking beer is part of how I celebrate. This year is about showing that it's not the only way I celebrate and so far it's going pretty well. I will admit it was very hard to miss out on the end of the world beers for 12.12.12 and some of the special releases for the holidays that I missed but there will be different beers for different times later.
Over the years I've heard alcoholic friends in recovery talk about the experience right after they stop drinking. Like they got more energy, how much better they felt and just in general that their life was better. I'm happy to report that I didn't experience those things, So I think that just means that I was not drinking that much.
One of the great things about taking a year off from drinking is that I have received some great gifts of beer to age. For those that don't know, some beer does age very well. And anticipation will make it taste even better. My name is Wally and this is day 130 of my year of living sober.

The Holidays Begin

It is the day after Thanksgiving so I am in the middle of my 1st Holiday since starting my Year of Living Sober (YOLS). Traditionally, getting off work early meant stopping for a beer on the way home (this one i really wanted)and then picking up take out or making easy, fun food before preparing for Thanksgiving. Well, I obviously didn't stop for a beer and we didn't plan for the fun food very well. So I didn't really feel like we started the holiday on Wed. Which brings me to a question that I hope some of you will answer in the comments section below. How do you celebrate holidays and special occasions without special food or special drink? I know there are a variety of substitute beverages for alcohol and substitutes for high fat or high sugar foods. But what if you want a celebration to be independent of food and drink? Food for thought.
On with my journey. Just because I stopped drinking for a year does not mean I have stopped brewing. I brewed a stout 2 weeks ago and Kegged it this morning. (Full disclosure. I tasted 1 ounce. I have not brewed a stout In years. I could not in good conscience serve a beer that I had not tasted. It tasted like stout. Nothing special but at least I know it tastes the way it should) Since I am not drinking the beer it was much easier to pick a style that was simple and mild in flavor compared to the big hop beers that I prefer.
Thanksgiving day without a beer was a new experience. It didn't feel good or bad. Just different. I missed having a special seasonal ale with dinner and an Imperial stout with dessert. But it didn't ruin the meal. Dinner was great and I enjoyed it with my very pregnant wife (who isn't able to drink anyway)

My name is Wally and this is day 83 of my YOLS.

It's been a wild ride

The last 17 days have been filled with events of significance. In that time we have celebrated our daughter's 2nd birthday, my wife's 40th birthday, and our 15 year anniversary. Add to that over almost the same time period I installed, ran and removed the biggest show I have ever designed and you can see that I have a lot going on. It has been interesting, enlightening, and in some ways uneventful to be sober through these events. In the past I would have had a beer to celebrate all of these occasions. This year I didn't have a beer at any of them. It felt strange but I am learning ways to acknowledge celebrations without alcohol (or substituting food). When you remove alcohol and food from your celebratory experience what are you left with? I have found that you focus more on the celebration and the people that are there. (I have not given up any foods but I am trying not to let any food or drink become my celebration focus)
One of my coworkers asked how it felt going through such a big event (one that we have worked on for years) without having a drink. (It is the 1st time I have done the event without having a drink at some point) I wanted to have some great insight but honestly I didn't. I had to tell him that it didn't feel that different. After loading the last trucks and driving home on a warm Friday evening I definitely thought about having a beer. But I also thought about how I am just getting started on my year. I want to see where this goes and how it feels.
This is day 38 of My Year of Living Sober.

Some things are hard

September and October are the busiest 2 months of the year at my job. I might have chosen the wrong time to stop drinking :) Long hours and long weeks make me miss a 22oz of IPA at the end of a long day. A warm, sunny, Sunday afternoon is ideal for a cold beer on the deck of Beer Revolution. But it turns out that lemonade in my back yard works just as well.
I did make a trip to Beer Revolution and it wasnt as hard as I thought it would be. Dont get me wrong. When i could smell the hops from a double IPA I really wanted one. Instead I had a very good non alcoholic beer from Germany, Erdinger. It is similar to a hefeveizen with a bit of honey flavor. I still enjoy the brewing community and lots of brewers (home and professional) drink there. In the end I left with more money in my pocket and less calories in my belly. Tomorrow is my daughters 2nd birthday and 1 of many celebrations over the next few weeks. With family and friends gathering to celebrate it is good for me to be able focus on the celebration rather than the celebrating.
This is day 21 of my year of living sober.

Football without beer?

The NFL season started today with the Dallas Cowboys playing the NY Giants in prime time. Anyone who knows me knows that I love the Dallas Cowboys. And in the past nothing has gone better with a football game than a cold beer. I have to say, thankfully, I enjoyed the game just as much as when drinking. (Of course, it helps that they won) Now granted, I was watching the game at home alone but I didn't miss the beer and didn't notice until Alisa commented on it. That will probably change when i have to go to the bar to see the games. I don't know if that means anything or not. This is day 5 of my YOLS.